Gary L. Simmons  rev 01/31/08  http://webwonks.org/JOTW/jan.html

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01/31/2008

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic.

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh thank you, Father," the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him that the war is over?"

01/30/2008

A Marine Colonel commanding an infantry regiment was about to start a morning briefing with his subordinates - battalion commanders, company commanders, and staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and, thus, he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He then asked how much of sex was "work" and how much of was "pleasure".

The discussion went like this:

• the regiment's executive officer, a major, chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
• a company commander, a captain, said it was 50-50%.
• the colonel's aide, a first lieutenant and a bachelor, responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on the state of inebriation of those involved.

There being no consensus, the colonel sought the opinion of the only enlisted man in the room, an eighteen year old private first class (PFC) who was in charge of making the coffee. Without hesitation, the PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel, surprised at his rapidity of response, asked: "Why?"

"Well, Sir," began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."

The room fell silent.

(Thanks to Mike Hall who thinks work is pleasure when inebriated)

01/29/2008

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who plans to Lambada into his coffin)

01/28/2008

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:

• Massachusetts
  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden FAMILY'S And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
  
• Michigan
  First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
  
• Minnesota
  10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
  
• Mississippi
  Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
  
• Missouri
  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
  
• Montana
  Land of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies and Honest Elections!
  
• Nebraska
  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
  
• Nevada
  Hookers and Poker!
  
• New Hampshire
  Go Away And Leave Us Alone
  
• New Jersey
  You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

(Thanks to Ron Stephens for all of these ##$%##! state mottos)

01/25/2008

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS:

• Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who cans a remarkable strawberry jam)

01/24/2008

OFFICE ARITHMETIC:

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

01/23/2008

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible

(Thanks to Mike Hall who is famous for saying, "the buck buck budooock stops here")

01/22/2008

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who wants his hammer back)

01/21/2008

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:

• Hawaii
  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
  (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
  
• Idaho
  More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
  
• Illinois
  Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
  
• Indiana
  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
  
• Iowa
  We Do Amazing Things With Corn
  
• Kansas
  First Of The Rectangle States
  
• Kentucky
  Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
  
• Louisiana
  We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
  
• Maine
  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
  
• Maryland
  If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who must be from Louisiana)

01/18/2008

WHY DO WE LOVE CHILDREN?

• DEATH
  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole she goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
  
• SCHOOL
  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
  
• BIBLE
  A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who presses her underwear in a book)

01/16/2008

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who cannot reproduce on the ground either)

01/15/2008

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

01/14/2008

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:

• Alabama
  Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
  
• Alaska
  11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
  
• Arizona
  Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
  
• Arkansas
  Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
  
• California
  By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
  
• Colorado
  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
  
• Connecticut
  Like Massachusetts, only smaller
  
• Delaware
  We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
  
• Florida
  Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.
  
• Georgia
  We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who's motto is "if it ain't broke, I ain't tetched it yet")

01/11/2008

WHY DO WE LOVE CHILDREN?

• POLICE # 2
  It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
  
• ELDERLY
  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
  
• DRESS-UP
  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who once gave the Tooth Fairy the shock of her life)

01/10/2008

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots'

One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

(Thanks to Mike Hall who found a bra in his basement and has concluded that he is descended from Amazons)

01/09/2008

Guy is going bear hunting in Alaska. The local sporting goods dealer sells him "everything you'll need" including a pepper spray that is stronger than mace and a necklace with tiny silver bells, both of which are guaranteed to repel bears.

When he gets to Alaska the local guide gives him safety lecture #1. "When you are out there in the woods you want to know what kind of bears are around. Black bears are very dangerous especially if they have cubs. On the other hand brown bears are even more dangerous. You can tell what kind of bears are around if you happen on their droppings. Black bear droppings look and smell a lot like any other animal droppings. Brown bear droppings smell like pepper spray and have tiny silver bells in them."

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who once found tiny silver bells in a Baby Ruth)

01/08/2008

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER THANKS TO EMAIL:

• I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ....
• I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
• Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
• And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
• Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who lurks under the toilet seat... waiting)

01/07/2008

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER THANKS TO EMAIL:

• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who mak e these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
• I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who boiled a cup of water in the microwave, or something anyway, I mean... look at him!)

01/04/2008

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER THANKS TO EMAIL:

• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
• Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who needs more than Coca Cola to remove his toilet stains)

01/03/2008

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER THANKS TO EMAIL:

• I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing
• Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens sends all his rat poop directly to me)