| Gary L. Simmons | rev 02/28/08 | http://webwonks.org/JOTW/feb.html |
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02/28/2008
The buzzword of this election is "change". Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye,aye, sir. I'll see to it immedaitely." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you smell bad and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz..."
A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink of years will remain.
(Thanks to Mike Hall Gump who says that "Politics is like a box of underpants, they don't stink until they are aired")
02/26/2008
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor, "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly , "the blonde said, "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
(Thanks to Ron Stephens who keeps ballistic gel in his head just in case)
02/26/2008
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who, in a depression, recently went to pieces)
02/25/2008
SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS:
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who enjoys winding up at the wrong house)
02/21/2008
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
02/20/2008
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:
(Thanks to Ron Stephans who really should be living in Wisconsin)
02/19/2008
NONE OF THAT SISSY CRAP:
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- no teddybears, no hearts, no rainbows, no angels- ( Bible angels are NOT babies! ) Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who hears a lot of little words)
02/18/2008
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into a pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now! That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription
(Thanks to Karen Kischel whom I dare not kid)
02/15/2008
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
02/14/2008
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:
(Thanks to Ron Stephens who likes his Spotted Owl roasted and basted in baby Harp Seal juice)
02/13/2008
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it Helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who can't give it away)
02/12/2008
The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine & the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Bill was shocked & depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need ... a new suit.'
He entered the shop & told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly & said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Bill thought for a moment & then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Bill & said, 'Let's see 34 sleeves & 16-1/2 neck.'
Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Bill tried on the shirt & it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop & the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Bill thought for a moment & said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see. . .size 36.'
Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine & give you one heck of a headache.'
New suit -- $400.00
New shirt -- $36.00
New underwear -- $2.00
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who still gets headaches despite a severe lack of testicles)
02/11/2008
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
02/08/2008
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
(Thanks to Ron Stephens who must be lashing out because he spent last night in the doghouse)
02/07/2008
Bill is coming off the lake with the three ducks he shot when a game warden appears and asks him how he did. Bill tells him he got three ducks. The warden asks to see them. He smells the rear end of the first duck and says, "That's a Louisiana duck. Do you have a Louisiana stamp?" Bill produces a Louisiana stamp. The warden smells the butt of the second duck and says, "That's a Missouri duck. Do you have a Missouri stamp? Bill pulls out a Missouri stamp. The Warden smells the rear end of the last duck and declares "That's a Mississippi duck. Can I see your Mississippi stamp? Bill shows him a Mississippi stamp.
The warden says, "You really are well prepared. Where are you from?" Bill turns around and bends over. "You're the expert. You tell me."
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who is quite the expert too)
02/06/2008
CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS:
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who has a power behind)
02/05/2008
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY. A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:
(Thanks to Ron Stephens, who after he told this joke to his wife, showed up in Kevlar and brought a gun)
02/04/2008
A cocky young U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture Rep said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government behind me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" Then he headed straight to the field that the farmer had pointed to, unlocked the gate, entered it, closing the gate behind him. The farmer shrugged his shoulders and went about his farm chores.
Soon, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the gate in the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge long-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who has his own brand of prize bull)
02/01/2008
CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS:
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who hit a light pole swapping seats with God)
