Gary L. Simmons  rev 04/30/08  http://webwonks.org/JOTW/apr.html

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04/30/2008

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It' Okay," said the mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog."

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who was... OK, I'm not going to go there... but you can imagine the dental bill!)

04/28/2008

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

04/25/2008

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:

• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands - how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the yard.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who had to go to the doctors the last time his ball was in the rough)

04/23/2008

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

(Thanks to Mike Hall who thinks health care is boiling your home brew beer bottles between batches)

04/21/2008

BRAND NEW EDITION OF "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN":

• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
• The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who comes back from the dump with one less corn cob)

04/18/2008

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do.

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who I have no complaints about ::ducks anyway::)

04/16/2008

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

04/14/2008

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:

• If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... for a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who depends on me to make fun of his haircut)

04/09/2008

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his first cousin, Denny. "Denny, I am goin huntin tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!"

The doctor went hunting and returned the following day. "So, Denny, how was your day?"

Denny told him that he had seen three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?"

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX."

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a young woman entered. She undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Thunderin' Lard Jayzus, Denny, what did ye do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!"

(Thanks to Mike Hall who puts beer drops in his wifes eyes so she'll think he still looks hot)

04/08/2008

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who wears his mullet backwards.)

04/07/2008

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who washes her underwear in Gas-X)

04/04/2008

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.

"How's it going?", someone asked.

"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

04/01/2008

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who buried a body in his backyard under his fallow garden... you're welcome Joe)