Gary L. Simmons  rev 10/08/07
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Chemical Attack
Salsa Godzilla Pics
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Restaurant Anecdote
The Habanero Song

OK, bear with me now. This following article from the Riverside Enterprise is not a joke in the sense that the rest of the page is comprised of jokes, rather it is just plain funny. I have to make my hot sauce out on the back porch because the fumes from mixing it in a blender will choke everybody out of the house! So, you see, this sort of hits home. I just hope Homeland Security doesn't kick my door down some day while I'm blending up some Hell's Heaven Hot Sauce!!

Chilies so hot, police fear chemical attack

Super spicy chili sauce sparked road closures and evacuations in central London after passers-by complained that a chemical emanating from a Thai restaurant was burning their throats, police said Wednesday.

Reports of a strong smell wafting from a restaurant in London's bustling Soho district Monday prompted the London Fire Brigade to send a chemical response team, a Metropolitan Police spokesman said.

Firefighters closed off roads, sealed buildings and donned special breathing masks to ferret out the source of the acrid smell as onlookers coughed the Times of London reported.

Smashing down the door of the suspected source - the Thai Cottage restaurant - they seized the culprit: extra-hot bird's eye chilies that had been left dry-frying'.

No one was arrested, the police spokesman said, declining to give his name in line with force policy.

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Some poor schlub, Aaron Snyder, has actually tried to talk to me in email like I was normal. I pity da foo. I am treating this like the old time Dan Aykroyd/Jane Curtain Point-Counterpoint bit they used to do on SNL.

Aaron's Counterpoint:
View my point

Chili Defense - No, this isn't a version of the famous Dan White "Twinkie Defense" that succeeded in San Francisco's courts of law in the seventies. On your chili peppers page, you state that the plants' production of capsaicin is a "defense mechanism" adding that it is a "colossal failure." Perhaps not. When it takes several hundred thousand, or even millions of years of evolution to develop a defense mechanism, the ones we see today are ones that are still pretty effective. In the case of chili peppers, the majority of the capsaicin is concentrated in the seeds (this is why one ought to de-seed chilies hotter than Serranos or Tabascos before putting them in a dish). It's also true that capsaicin increases the metabolism. Further, perhaps the "defense-mechanism" of chilies (producing capsaicin) is not that it prevents eating them, but rather prevents the destruction of the seeds so that the plant may more effectively reproduce (otherwise naturally-occurring mild chilies would not have survived and would not be extant species today).

So. Let's take a mammalian critter--a Llama, if you will (they are larger than frogs)--and have him eat his very first chili pepper. At first, the critter is astonished by the heat, but the endorphins flooding his brain after having eaten them induces a kind of soporific effect (ever felt a little "high" after having eaten a really hot chili dish? Welcome to the wonderful world of built-in morphine-like chemicals that your brain naturally squeezes out when it "thinks" that the body's been damaged), encouraging him to eat more chilies, as well as trying to find hotter ones. Now, the critter's metabolism has been raised, especially in direct proportion to the amount of capsaicin there is in any given bolus ("Any Given Bolus" would be a great name for a band), as well as engorging the respective digestive organs with blood, further expediting the digestive process.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. Like corn, chili seeds pass through our digestive tracts so quickly (and relatively intact given the terribly caustic environments that our digestive systems are) that they get passed almost unharmed. Not only is the seed not damaged in any significant way, the surrounding dung once defecation occurs serves as a fertilizer to further ensure chili reproduction. Capsaicin may have once been developed as a defense mechanism, but it seems to me that it could actually be serving to reinforce reproductive tactics. The fact that chilies can grow just about anywhere testifies to this (only the most fragile plants develop robust defense-mechanisms; once you put them in a climate or soil they haven't developed for, they die faster than a Kevorkian patient). A better candidate for "defense mechanism" would be, say, poison ivy--it's a fairly robust defense (eat it and you get a rash in your mouth for a week), but the plant grows only in temperate zones--chilies grow damn near anywhere you plant them, even though their origins are in the Americas.

So instead of capsaicin being a "defense," it might be more rightly regarded as a "reproductive aid."

--Aaron Snyder
AKA "AJS" on a.g.m

Gary's Counter Counterpoint:

Jane, you ignorant slut. Point 1 - The capsaicin is concentrated in the chili pods PLACENTA surrounding the seed, not in the seed itself. Point 2 - Chili seeds, just like any tough seed such as tomato or corn seeds, are protected from digestion by a tough seed coat not by residual placental capsaicin coating the seed (capsaicin that gets dissolved away from the seed by stomach acids). Point 3 - In the animal kingdom only people are maniac enough to eat hot chilies, every other living thing in God's creation understands immediately what the chili pepper is trying to tell them. Feed a REAL llama a habañero and it will bray like a mule and kick your butt up between your eyebrows, knock back a fifth of tequila, and hunt down your mom, dad and grandparents. Point 4 - Scoville units as an indicator of a plants ability to grow in a variety of climates is doubtful at least, unproven at best.

I do however agree that the hot chilies have had a very favorable treatment by people who enjoy them, and like any cultivated crop enjoys a state of protection from the random will of natural selection, soil conditions and weather.

Now Jane, as much as I thoroughly enjoy talking about dung and reproductive aids, ESPECIALLY in conjunction with one another I must point out that as a woman you really have no opinion and are over your head in any conversation NOT involving a diaper change and a virulent red ass-rash. Therefore if you would kindly be a good girl and shut the hell up and go cook something maybe we can have a little peace and quite here. I know in this progressive day and age you want to assert your little views but keep in mind that not even frickin' Susan B. Anthony wants to hear it, but as long as you brought up the subject of "dung" you should know that the family dog squeezed out a steamer on the carpet and it is crying out for your feminine ministrations. Now with some PROPER focus on your energies, instead of flapping your lips like a Ubangi in a wind tunnel, you could be ironing some useless piece of crap flat or better yet stuffing that hulking mass of jiggling ass fat into something sexy and surprising your husband with some hot monkey love if only for ONCE this month!

And that is tonight's "Point - Counterpoint". Thank you and good night.

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High art chili pepper style. For your viewing pleasure, two art masterpieces that were inspired from life. The first sketch was the reaction of one coworker from direct observation at an office pot luck and the the second sketch is the reaction of a second coworker from the graphic detail he loudly provided while holding me off the ground by my lapels.

Salsa Godzilla pics

A friend of mine I worked with drew some very nice pencil sketches for me of the typical office worker at our job who happened upon a batch of Gary's Salsa Godzilla. The artists name is Mark Alspaugh. The first sketch shows someone after taking a bite of this deadly concoction. The second sketch is that same person, barely recovered from his head exploding, the next day attempting to go to the bathroom. Here is a word of warning. Chew your Salsa Godzilla well. What doesn't get digested just marches through your gastro intestional system intact like so many lava plutons. If you think you can avoid the hot by just swallowing it down, you will just get smacked down the next day. Smacked down worse.

What is missing here is color. There are lots of flames shooting out of this and that. When I get time I am going to try to colorize these things. Until then, you can enjoy them as the artist intended. I think the tears squirting directly out of the pupil of the eye is a touch of genius. Mark rulez.

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Can you imagine trying to work with a chili head on a day to day basis in a professional corporate office? Man, it must be awful!

Salsa Shorts

Here is an email that I sent at work one day announcing that, because of complaints, I was bringing a watered down version of Salsa Godzilla to the potluck. The email:

Listen up, you whiners:

I keep hearing from all you pathetic mewling marshmallows to tone down the salsa. You say, "I like the taste of Salsa Godzilla but it is too hoooooot." Read that last quoted section out loud in your highest voice while pinching your nose closed-I'll wait.

You weak sniveling sissies!! In my day we had it tough. When I was 3 years old I started working at the salt mines. I was woken up with a punch in the face, fed dirt, sticks, coffee grounds and Salsa Godzilla for breakfast and had to walk barefoot on sharp rocks and vomit-smeared, broken glass for 15 miles. When I got there they would throw me down the mine shaft (the elevator was reserved for Senior Staff) and whip me with vinegar soaked ropes while I dug salt with my bare hands. And let me tell you wimps, I was glad to have the job, lucky to land the position I had and grateful for the 14 cents a day I earned!! I bet you eat lunch every day, don't you? Well in my day that was unheard of. We worked straight on for 18 hours stopping only to die of a cave in, equipment explosions, or heart failure. After a body cavity search for stolen mine equipment by Nurse Ratchet I would crawl home, do my chores, eat a few bugs or if I was lucky, a rat with some more Salsa Godzilla, and go to sleep for 2 hours in the rusty steel barrel I had to share with my 8 brothers and sisters. Oh I know, you're thinking "big deal." Well it IS a big deal you whining, paper-piddling puppies!! This is just indicative of how soft this country of pantywaists has gotten.

Well, I can adjust. If you spoiled rotten little crybabies want weak spineless salsa, then wussie salsa it is. For the Monday Potluck I will be introducing Gary's Salsa Bambi, (so called because you pansies hide in the tall grass when little bunny Foo Foo goes bouncing by). This Salsa has no chilies in it, the chilies will be in a separate bowl, for those with the heuvos grandes, to add to their own personal portions.

You make me sick,


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I devoted 3.5 years of my life researching and developing these anagrams while pretending to program in a wanna be relational database called DataFlex. Now released for the first time to the general public, you can read the fruits of my intense labor. The constant pounding of keys, the nonstop sweat filled mouse wrestling, the endless days of wearing my life to a smoking bloodied nub for a heartless company that later laid off my entire department. "3.5 years for just these 4 lines ?" you say? Well, yes and no. This is the part about habaneros, all the rest was the line, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" repeated endlessly. How DARE they say my services were no longer required!?!!!!?!!

Habanero as an anagram

Hot As Blazes And Next Entrails Release, Ouch!

Hot As Blacktop After Nuking Every Road Once.

Hafta Apply Beer Against Nuked Entrails, Reapplying Often.

Hot As Blazes And Never Entirely Really Out.

Submitted by K. Furey AKA Inferno-lips:
Heat As Bad As Nuclear Explosive Radioactive Onions

If you have any Habanero anagrams you want to share then let me know.

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This was so good I had to put it on my web page. I don't know who to credit this to, it came to me in an email buried 20 quotes deep. What would be worse? Being Frank or being Frank's underpants?

Reports From a Texas Chili Cookoff

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**k those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f**king grenade in my mouth, pull the f**king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f**king mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f**king 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Som tam is really hot and delicious, I highly recomend all Thai food for pepper eaters. What I don't recommend is for you or anyone else to watch me eat it. My face and neck get sweaty, my hair gets matted, my eyes turn red, and my nose runs like a cat with a fire cracker up its butt.

Thai Restaurant Anecdote:

Once I was with some friends from work in a Thai food restaurant and I ordered som tam for lunch. This restaurant has some hot condiments it puts on each table. There are 4 glass containers containing chili paste, roasted ground Thai chilies, chopped Thai chilies in fish sauce and chopped serrano chilies in a very light vinegar. I just LOVE this stuff. Som tam is traditionally prepared very hot, but once I get into the chili feeding frenzy I get pretty carried away. I was just piling this stuff up on a dish that came out of the kitchen too damn hot already (they either love me or hate me in there). The condiment containers each have this dinky little spoon to apply the contents with and by the time I got to the really hot stuff, the ground Thai chilies, I got tired of putting little spoonful after little spoonful of hot stuff on my som tam so I just turned the container of ground chilies upside down and poured it all onto my salad. I started munching happily on this. It was a 4 Kleenex lunch, my lips were throbbing by the time I was done eating. It was so hot my teeth excused themselves and went out and waited for me in the car.

Anyway, we finished our meal and we all got into the same car to drive back to work. One of my friends who was sitting across from me at the table asked me if I heard the people at the table behind me during lunch. I said that I did, it sounded like they were showing each other pictures of war atrocities. They must have been looking at a whole photo album of decapitations and baby strangulations because they kept going on about it, making horrified noises all through lunch. He said, "No man, they were watching you eat!!". True story. Well... except for the part about my teeth excusing themselves to wait for me in the car.

When you think about it, for me, them being so grossed out was like a "Red Badge of Courage" in a "Moronic Stunt of Stupid" sort of way. The people at the other table were Thai folks, they have been eating hot Thai food since they were children. Hell they were floating as fetuses in amniotic fluid composed of 10% capsaicin! Now here they were watching me in horror as I ate fiery chilies. It is sorta like the Flying Wallendas fainting from watching a dangerous circus act. OK no it's not. But still it amused me.

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Here is a song I wrote to the love of my life, a wrinkly old chili pepper. This was when I was in my Habanero Honeymoon, having just discovered this chili. I brought bags of these dried chilis to work with me to eat with my lunch. Some spaz at work lost a bet with me and to pay up he had to take a bite out of one of these habeneros. As soon as he realized what he bit into he went into a panic and grabbed a can of Coke off his desk and before I could stop him, he tried to rinse his mouth with it. The carbonation just makes the pain soar 100% but he didn't realize that till it was happening to him! He got up from his desk and staggered to the lunch room where he put his open mouth under a faucet and let the water run into it for several minutes. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he looked just like one of those Hollywood stunt men they light on fire and have stumble out a doorway engulfed in flames. He moved exactly like that only the flames were in his mouth! Anyway, back to the song, only the chorus is actually sung (besides the teapot verse you already know) and some day when I am stupid enough I will put it into a sound file and link to it here.

Oh Habanero

It's Habanero, oh...Habanero,
It will kill the moose or the sparrow.
Habanero, oh... Habanero,
Beware to the peon or the Pharaoh!

Verse: (spoken)
It's not merely placid,
Like battery acid.
Your food will bite you back,
Like a mad dog attack!


Verse: (limerick cadence)
There once was a young girl from France,
Who kept this hot fruit in her pants.
She just had one pepper,
But became a high stepper,
And invented the Mexican Hat Dance!


Air guitar instrumental interlude


Verse: (to the tune of "Im A Little Tea Pot")
I'm a little pepper, dark and hot.
Here is your nose now wring out the snot!
Dab at your forehead, wipe off your glasses
The very next morning I will burn all your asses


Chorus: fade while smashing air guitars over air amplifiers.

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