Gary L. Simmons  rev 02/28/2003
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Archived News for the Month of February 2003

New this Week:

2-28: To celebrate Black History Month I plan to honor a famous African king every day of the mon... OH NO... WAIT! Today is the last day! I missed it, what a crying shame!! Oh well. I guess I'll just have to move on to something else. Let me see, what else do I have here, ah... a new jump menu on the Chili Pepper Recipes page over in the Chili Peppers section of the Hobbies department.

2-27: The Art Portfolio page gets a High School Art update today. It is two separate sketches drawn at different times of a surfer carrying a surfboard with each sketch showing, coincidentally, opposite views. This is all happening in the Hobbies department. Be there or be one of those anti-art Philistines I heard so much about in college. I know you are out there! The steel plate in my head starts buzzing when you get close!

2-26: The Hobbies department gets a jump menu and MSNBC tells Phil Donahue to jump in the lake... Coincidence or conspiracy?? You be the judge! Either way it is good news for all. You get the convenience of rapid transit to my web pages and Phil gets to hate America in the privacy of his own home. It really is a win win situation here... hehehehe what a mar-oon. Phil, move to Iraq!

2-25: The new NRA Archive is updated today with Januarys offerings of the following columns: Armed Citizen, Standing Guard, and The President's Column. Check it out on the bottom of the NRA page in the Extra department. Bring your own ammo.

2-24: Again Team SETI accomplishes a new personal best. Last week we crunched 18 units at an average of 7 hours, 18 minutes a unit. We are in 117,947th place out of over 4 millions participants having leapfrogged over 638 of them last week. Read all about the computational carnage over on the SETI page in the Hobbies department.

2-21: A visitor to the Web Building page wrote to me concerning the Random Text tutorial. He asked me how to add the random text to the middle of a web page rather that just in the title bar or the first line on the page. Criminy, I didn't know or it would have been in the tutorial. I sat down and pulled the page up and went back and forth with it and got it right before I left. The revised tutorial goes live today, if you are into that sort of code smoking, head on over and check it out.

2-20: Have you ever gotten an e-mail saying Bill Gates will give you 3 thousand dollars for forwarding an e-mail to 20 people within 10 minutes? Perhaps you recieved a picture of Batboy or the guy standing on the WTC with an airliner about to crash into it. Maybe it was a hoax about a virus that gave you instuctions on how to delete one of your valid system files! Do you REALLY think your computer will display a special funny graphic and message as a reward if you forward a particular e-mail? I found a place that will turn you onto the truth behind these things. Hop on over to the Lynx page look down on the bottom of the Information section for the Urban Legends Reference Page. Check there before you forward that stupid e-mail to your friends. The truth will set you free!

2-19: Although the Smith & Wesson was the original point-and-click interface, that does not stop innovations on that theme to continue. Look at what a rip off the computer mouse is! Well today, in the spirit of American innovation, we have a expanded on that concept and now offer point-and-click jump menus on the NRA page over in the Extra department. The House of Wacks is under construction 24/7 so watch your step and wear a hard hat. Oh, and make sure you knock before just walking into the NRA page, unless you want the seat of your underpants ventilated. It's always "safety first" here at the House of Wacks!


In anticipation of it's next armed conflict, France today surrendered leaving a signed document of surrender with a blank for the next occupying country's army to sign, whoever that would be, most likely Biafra or Lapland. The document was left thumb tacked to the Arch of Triumph beside a little table serving cookies and milk. The Prime Minister explained that he just wanted to save a little time because he was under pressure by the predominant French Collaboration Party to cut red tape.

2-17: The SETI page in the Hobbies department gets an update today. Team SETI has a new personal record of 7 hours 7 minutes average crunch time per unit this week. Not bad for two bugs, a frump, and a chump.

2-14: Happy Valentines day! In honor of this day and of the spirit of the subject of the Joke of the Weak all week long, I want to share with you a poem I wrote for my future wife back in the 70's.

To Kitty

Your teeth are like pearls,
they're rounded with holes;
your mouth is a garden,
infested with moles.

Your eyes are like jewels,
so hard and so cold;
your body's a sculpture,
it's bought and it's sold.

Your skin is like velvet,
all fuzzy and blue;
your hair is so strong,
you must use good glue.

Your face is like marble,
all veins and big cracks;
if we'ed been in school,
you'ed have set on thumb tacks.

2-13: Probably the greatest triumph of the Clinton-Gore administration was being able to spin their criminal acceptance of illegal campaign contributions from a foreign country (China) into legislation that is a direct assault on the Constitution. The Constitution always gets in the Democrats way when they want to do something. It's about time someone just rips it up so Democrats can do whatever the hell they want whenever they want. "Campaign Finance Reform" does just that. Read all about it in the Standing Guard column in the NRA section of the Extra department.

2-12: Jump menus are added to the Extra page and to the HyperCard page. Now you can download all the HyperCard stacks via the menu rather than to old fashioned method of laboring your way down to the bottom of the page: tired, thirsty, hungry, besieged by disease and hostile Indians. Now you can do it the modern way, click on the jump menu and thumb down the list. In 21 century fashion, it will appear on your desktop. Magic? No, it's TECHNOLOGY!! This bic lighter on the other hand... IS magic! Now bring me your women or suffer my wrath.

2-11: Every time I read an article in the President's Column I am struck by the concrete values, social conscience, and patriotic fervor of Charlton Heston. We really need more people like him in America, he marched for civil rights for blacks back when it was not cool to do so and he is doing the same for Americans exercising their Second Amendment right. Bigots and freedom haters of ANY stripe would do well to avoid this man and I ain't a gonna warn you again cause I want to see it when it happens! Read the latest article in the NRA section of the Extra department.

2-10: Team SETI jumped ahead of 512 people in the standings this week. In a politically correct world everybody would crunch the same amount of SETI units whether they had computers or not because the government would see fit to redistribute the units "fairly". HA! That ain't going to happen on my watch, you can pry this 1Ghz CPU out of my cold dead hand! I grind my jack-boot heel into the faces of the 512 loosers as I bound into the lead ahead of them! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sucks to be you!

2-7: France... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AAA... FRANCE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA AH AHA AHAH A AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHA AWwwwwwwww... whew, france... heheh ehehe heheheheheh he he he he heh heh ehe heh heh. Oh brother. ::cough cough::

2-6: There is an update in the Armed Citizen section of the NRA page in the Extra department. Read about real American heroes protecting life and property with the legal and rightful use of a firearm, the same people anti-gun laws will disarm while leaving criminals armed to the teeth. Picture every one of those law abiding heroes dead if they did not have their trusty weapon in their hand when armed criminals raised their ugly heads.

2-5: The Web Building page is updated today. I added a jump menu to the top of that page that will take you to each of the web building tutorials. Jump menus borrow the convenience of 24th century teleportation technology without the risk of arriving there with your intestines on the outside or having had exchanged heads with a house fly. This is a portent of things to come, you can look forward to seeing more of them on other pages in the days to come. I even plan to write a tutorial on it on the Web Building page sometime soon.

2-4: The little appreciated, neglected, and overworked News Archives catches a break today. Not only are it's snotty step-sister pages forced to watch the glass slipper slide easily onto it's dainty foot, it gets a new wardrobe and a ride into the sunset with a handsome webmaster. I'll save the gruesome part about the peasant uprising, castle riots, and subsequent torch lit beheadings for another story. Instead, let us venture beneath the castle into the very bowels of the House of Wacks and sift through the dried bones of carnal folly in the labyrinthine catacombs of news past.

2-3: 17 more units crunched this week. All the stats are improving! What a welcome change to the slow steady slide into oblivion that started about a year ago as my computer began to age. If I could only change MY CPU and upgrade MY software maybe I could function better, anyone know where I can upgrade my wetware? It's all happening on the SETI page in Hobbies department.

2-1: A note here to honor the 7 astronauts who died as the space shuttle Columbia broke up on reentry into the Earth's atmosphere. It was a hero's ending to a hero's life. They went out in a fiery blaze of glory that could be seen by a quarter of the planet. It was tragically spectacular... and yes, extremely cool in a guy/Klingon sort of way. They were like Vikings on a burning funeral longboat on their journey to Valhalla. May we all die so honorably and so respected. Let's go back to the Moon... to Mars... and on to the stars!

As usual, the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST and the SETI page is updated every Monday. The NRA pages President's Column, Standing Guard and Armed Citizen are updated each month.

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