Gary L. Simmons  rev 03/31/2001
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Archived News for the Month of March 2001

New this Week:

03-30: Times up! The answer is the Lh'owon Ar'kives! Introducing Marathon at This is more than just another Marathon archive, this is an active community of Marathon enthusiasts. Check out this announcement at for some of the main details. If you enjoy Marathon you will love this.

03-27: Hint number two: Durandal's mission for you was to search these.

03-26: This announcement is for birds only. Be advised that I have seeded my lawn with a quality brand tall fescue. Last night the seeds were plumped up with a gentle sprinkling from the automatic lawn sprinklers. You are hereby put on notice that you are not welcome on my lawn and you will be considered to be succulent squab or tangy buffalo wings. I have two dock-working roughneck cats and the neighbors have the biggest cat I have ever seen on all the planets I have visited. Get my drift? If you want to eat lawn seed go buy your own dang lawn seed!

03-22: Announcing a huge new contest here at the House of Wacks! A fully loaded 2001 Buick LeSabre and 2 nights all expenses paid vacation for 2 in the fun packed resort town of Borrego Springs in beautiful Anza-Borrego will go to the first person to find the hidden "Smiley Face" icon with the bullet hole in the forehead... Wait wait we have a WINNER ALREADY!! My wife just found it on the hard disk of my other computer in the other room. Gosh, I guess I didn't have a "no relatives or family members" rule in place, ohhhhh clumsy me!

03-21: If you enjoy the subject matter here at the House of Wacks then something big is coming your way at You heard it here first. Here is a hint: "Citadel".

03-19: The SETI page and the Joke of the Weak updated today. There are a couple of new Forge/Anvil tutorials in the pipes. If any of you Marathon map authors out there have any information you want to share with the others then contact me and lets work up a tutorial. Your information does not have to be block buster nor does it have to be page after page after page of encyclopedic spewing. If you have a nifty little trick or two, a way around a known bug, some handy technique or a unique way of doing something that gives you good results then you are invited to share that with the Marathon Community.

03-16: Happy St. Patrick's day me boyos!!... er tomorrow. Stay away from that green beer you guys, that stuff will rot your liver quicker than a glazed ham can fly down Oprah's throat. I don't want to know what they put in beer to make it green. What's that blue stuff that they put into toilets that turns green when "used"? I'll just celebrate with a blarney and cheese sandwich and watch you guys riot on TV.

03-15: This day in history - Roman senators poke fun at Julias Caesar. Mark Anthony takes out a loan in ears. The gene for teleportation is permanently removed from the human genome when the only inherited carrier, the Imperial Press Secretary Max Maximus, accidentally teleports into the center of the sun while dodging a question from the Roman media.

03-13: The Joke of the Weak is going to be pretty good for the remainder of the week. I got a hold of some pretty funny "ponderables" that will make you laugh and think at the same time. I wonder what the Theory of Relativity would have been like if Einstein was into that particular combination!

03-12: If you play "Myth" or "The Sims!" you will be happy to hear that has put forums into place supporting these games. Go there, check it out, become involved, ask questions. Remember the only stupid question is the one you unfortunately thought of to ask. Wait... that's not right. The only stupid question is the one you shoot milk out your nose while reading. No... heck, I forget.

03-09: In January, 2001, NRA President Heston addressed the Congress of Racial Equality at its annual banquet in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In the excerpts of his remarks presented in the Presidents Column on the NRA page, Heston warns listeners of the dangers of politicians who use race as a weapon, and to the inherent inequality and injustice of anti-gun laws that leave the powerless and the poor defenseless.

03-7: Wayne LaPierre steps up to bat in the Standing Guard feature of the NRA page and addresses the state of the nation after the narrow 2000 presidential elections and what YOU can do to help as an NRA member. You are an NRA member aren't you? If not, you can easily join!

03-06: Whee Doggies! According to the Urchin report provided by EarthLink, the House of Wacks went over 40 thousand visitors this week. If only each of you had sent a dollar instead... Hey there was no SETI update this week because SETI was down most of last week. It seems that some vandals were stealing copper from communication cables and cut SETI's fiber optic cable in the commission of their crime. OMG! What if ET were trying to phone home then?? What if his wife wanted him to pick up a quart of milk and a loaf of bread on the way home? Fie and a pox on you O foul stealers of copper!

03-05: Studies indicate that firearms are used more than 2 million times a year for personal protection, and that the presence of a firearm, without a shot being fired, prevents crime in many instances. Check out these examples of that statement on The Armed Citizen section of the NRA page.

03-01: What trouble can I get into THIS month? Well... during a speech given by Bill Gates yesterday in Seattle, people suddenly started screaming and bolting for the doors. It is not clear to this reporter if the stampede started before or BECAUSE of the earthquake. And while I'm on the subject, why didn't clinton pardon Bill? I guess being a successful capitalist is less forgivable than being a murderer, drug lord or traitorous tax evader! Just a thought.

As usual, the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST and the SETI page is updated every Monday. The NRA pages President's Corner, Standing Guard and Armed Citizen are updated each month.
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