Gary L. Simmons  rev 01/31/2001
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Archived News for the Month of January 2001

New this Week:

01-30: Consumer alert! I bought a new car that had OnStar as one of it's features. Listen carefully, OnStar will not, I say again, will not call you "Batman"! You can argue until you are purple in the face, your lips are ripped and bleeding and the OnStar button is flecked with spittle but there is no way in hell you are going to get one of those OnStar operator chicks to call you "Batman". So in this consumers opinion, why bother with OnStar? The only reason I bought that fricka frackin hunka junk was because it had OnStar and I laid there at night with my little toesies curling and uncurling thinking about how I was going to push the damn button and some beautiful sexy voice was going to say, "Good evening Batman". But Noooooooooooooooo.

01-20: The Joke of the Weak is back on the air! Hot dang and whee doggies. I was out of Earthlink online disk space and had to shut it down. I decided to archive year 2000 and put it on my server iDisk as a downloadable Stuffit or Zip archive and reclaim the space for new jokes. Am I clever or what? WHAT?? I heard that! The Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST and as an exception... today. The Joke of the Weak is rated PG13 by me, your view of what is PG13 may vary but my honest attempt is to adhere to what I think PG13 is. Enjoy!

01-18: If you noticed some broken links around here then you weren't crazy. Well, at least you weren't crazy about the links being broken. That stuff you rave on about such as: invading Atomic Weasel People, Microbe Rights activism, and Hillary for President still qualify you as tongue chewing crazy. Get help as soon as possible, and remember to take ALL the pills in the bottle. Hey, that last sentence was a" community service" wasn't it? See? I'm more than just a disher-outer of swill, torment, and pestilence! I care about you bozos albeit in a twisted, client/server, bureaucratic, try-not-to-hit-the-toilet-seat sort of way. Anyway the broken links are fixed, click with impunity.

01-16: Hamish Sanderson, when queried about the nonexistent "Custom Icons and Unique Creator Code section" in his Anvil tutorials said, "Sorry, that bit never got written." It could have been worse, God could have said the same thing concerning the last 3 of the 10 Commandments! Fortunately for us God found the time to jot down all the Commandments and much like Moses and God, Chris Komarnicki has collaborated with Hamish and together they have finally completed the long lost Custom Icon section. I guess this is more like Indiana Jones and the lost Ark actually, only with out all the arrows, snakes, flying wings and Nazis. Hmmm... actually I suppose it is more like just two computer geeks out-wonking one another. Anyway check it out on the Marathon page, go to the Anvil Tips section and click on the HAS tutorials, the new stuff is in the Custom Icons tutorial.

01-15: Man, when it rains it pours. A whole lot of nothin and then a lotta lotta somptin. NOW we have Erkki the Indefatigable retching up another gruesome graphic in his attempt to illustrate those adnexal fashion tips foisted on the general public by the irascible Battle Cat: "How to Look Marathon Cool and Combat Fresh". This is the last of the series of graphics and represents the cover of the only fashion booklet France has refused to publish. This booklet is banned in all of Europe and has Barney the dinosaur steaming mad let me tell you. The National Organization of Women is purple-faced livid that there is nothing about women in it for them to froth at the mouth about. To top it all off, even Microbe Rights Activists have joined with Big Pharmaceutical to denounce these fashions! See for yourself what all the fuss is about, go to the Marathon page then click on the Hell Hole V1.2 link over on the left.

01-14: Yow! Chris Komarnicki has updated his "Marathon: Killing Time" tutorials with some really great info. Chris takes it to version 1.1 with detailed explanations of creating a flashlight as well as step by step instructions on creating a sniper scope featuring a laser dot. Chris only touched on those subjects in the last version. Now you have enough information to build your own laser scoped shotgun with a flashlight duct taped under it for your own kick-butt scenario, "Marathon: Deliverance" or whatever the hell you are going to call it. Hey Skeeter, make 'em squeel like a dern Pfhor... er, also check out a new page in the tutorials showing how you can create realistic looking arched passageways. Pretty cool stuff and it's all in the Forge Tips section of the Marathon page.

01-04: Charlton Heston travels to England to kick a little butt and take a couple names. Hey, he is an old geezer like me, we can only kick little butts these days. Mr. Heston rubs their draconian gun laws in their faces pointing out that gun violence has increased in England in proportion to the restrictiveness of their gun laws. This is not an English phenomonom, Washington D.C. has the highest gun murder rate in the U.S.A as well as the most restrictive gun laws in the U.S.A. If you think about that, it makes sense. Read what Mr. Heston has to say in the President's Column on the NRA page.

01-03: Next up on the NRA page is Wayne LaPierre's column, "Standing Guard". What amazed me when I read that article was the USA Today map representing the counties Bush won as opposed to the counties Gore won. This is why the founding fathers decided that, in the same equalizing fashion as the Senate itself, America must be represented by the Electoral College so that rural areas are not under represented when up against smaller densely populated urban centers. The map is a jaw dropper. Of course Bush won. No mandate? Criminy.

01-01: Hey, it's one oneitty one!! Happy New Year everybody! Hey, we really improved the human condition in the last 1,000 years, let's see what we can do in the next 1,000 years eh guys? Remember, it's you and I and not "them" affecting things, it's up to US so let's kick some more butt on this sorry little planet concerning political oppression, disease and ignorance. With that in mind, let's stroll on our bridge into the next millennium with January's Armed Citizen feature on the NRA page.

As usual, the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST and the SETI page is updated every Monday. The NRA pages President's Corner, Standing Guard and Armed Citizen are updated each month.
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