Gary L. Simmons  rev 10/31/2000
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Archived News for the Month of October 2000

On behalf of the vast majority of Americans, I would like to apologize to the rest of the world for the shabby behavior of those four idiots who comprised the U.S. men's 400 meter relay team on 9/30/00. In an astounding show of bad sportsmanship, they managed to snatch defeat from the very jaws of victory. They not only showed outrageous disrespect for all the Olympians and all the honorable Olympic medal winners, they showed loathsome disrespect to their flag and their country. I think they should be stripped of their medals for that event. Australia we are ashamed of them, we don't want 'em back, you can keep them over there!

New this Week:

10-31: Just after Hamishes head exploded but he was still valiantly trying to help people, he gave a scenario maker some advice on making sprites in a team environment. I almost cried when I read the last sentence he gave in that little writeup. He said, "Can't think of anything else for now." Sadly this last sentence is indicative of when the sutures that hold Hamishes head together start to pop and slip. Other signs include the eyes looking around rapidly in two entirely different directions much like a chameleon and his tongue protruding from one or the other of his nostrils. Head over to the Marathon page, click on Anvil Tips then navigate to the HAS Color Clippings tutorial. Is there a doctor in the house?

10-30: In a package postmarked "Miami, Florida" a tearful yet stylishly gowned Aaron Snyder pleaded from his uncles home that he is innocent. The package contains a video cassette showing Aaron shaking his finger in the lens of the video camera and saying in part, "I assert that I have never had sexual relations with that alien, Superman, and I have the Kryptonite fillings to prove it." In yet another amazing twist to this already incredible story the dictator Fidel Castro, seated upon a throne of dried and gilded peasants, was quoted from his luxurious palatial estate in the heart of a grievously poverty stricken Havana as saying, "My brothers and sisters of the peoples paradise of Cuba demand the return of the proletariat semen that is staining the dress of the capitalist pig Aaron!" Film at 11.

10-29: Off contemplating my belly button. Remind me to floss it.

10-28: Late breaking news here at the House of Whacks, the Kenneth Star investigation has subpoenaed Aaron Snyder's "Jane Curtain dress" for DNA testing and in a bizarre twist Johnny Cochran has announced that he will defend Aaron claiming that the DNA evidence is contaminated by Superman's semen and that it flew there from Krypton at super speed of it's own volition! Aaron... dude, take that damn thing off already! In other less titillating and way more factual news, there is an interesting twist in the continuing saga of the dreaded 16 bit Marathon CLUT over in the Hamish Sanderson Color Clippings tutorial. There is an interesting explanation and work around suggested for it. Check it out in the Anvil Tips section of the Marathon page.

10-27: Yet another stupid surfer picture is ready to be viewed in the High School section of the Art page over in the Hobbies department here at the House of Wacks. Look for "Surfer 8" at the bottom of that section. The surfer in the graphic has this idiotic "deer in the headlights" look on his face. This picture looks like it is a frame from a logging truck grill cam. The next frame is all eyeballs and the remaining frames stay red until the cam wipers come on. What a scrapbook that trucker must have. "This heeere's mah tree hugger album, an dese here er mah racoon an Bambi books... an I done gots me a sea lion in Crescent City, no joke, see here he gots a dern fish in his mouth and lookie dat, he don't see me but the fish DOES! he-yuk he-yuk he-yuk".

10-26: Well I should have known this was going to happen. Aaron wouldn't take the Jane Curtain dress off after the Point-Counter Point gag was over. It is close enough to Halloween that he may get away with it for awhile but Aaron, if you are listening, you really should wear a belt with that... and lose the wig. It looks like the Taco Bell dog has "befriended" it. In other news the referee has blown the whistle on Hamish Sanderson and a flag is down for clipping. Go See HAS duke it out with the ref in his Color Clippings tutorial on "Color and Texture" Advice in the Anvil Tips section of the Marathon page.

10-25: Aaron Snyder (AKA "AJS" on has messaged me on my secret bat phone with some red hot controversy concerning the reproductive habits of the chili pod, dung as food for thought, and other matters of importance. I am treating this like the old time Dan Aykroyd/Jane Curtain Point-Counterpoint bit they used to do on SNL. Aaron, you get to be Jane, but you have to promise to take the dress off when we are through with the bit. Anyway, Aaron gives you lots to think about while I frolic about him like a berserk clown on Sterno. Check it out under the opening dialog on the Chili Pepper page.

10-24: HAS Color Clippings are little bits and pieces that HAS has collected over time that didn't really merit a place of their own. In fact I am sure he was going to incorporate them into the other material in this body of tutorials but then, tragically, his head exploded. These clippings are in the form of emails or newsgroup posts and although most of the blood and mucus and brains have been cleaned from them, you should wash your hands thoroughly with lots of soap and hot water after viewing them. Feel free to print out that page and chase girls around the school yard with it, HAS would have wanted it that way. You can find this on the Marathon page in the Anvil Tips section. Click on the Hamish Sanderson Tutorials and look for the color clippings link.

10-23: I have some interesting information for firearms enthusiasts over on the NRA page, look in the Special Events section. This is a reproduction of a letter I got in the mail asking for moolah (this IS an election year), but regardless, there is still a lot of info you should know about. Unrelated to that letter but related to politicians in the last few years saying that guns are evil and should not be in the hands of law abiding citizens: I don't know about you but I sure am sick of the present administration purposefully pitting different groups of Americans against each other in the hopes of picking up a little extra political power in the resulting fracas. Divide and conquer is what it is called and we are ALL victims of it. Whether you are a gun owner or not, white or black, rich or poor, male or female, straight or gay, young or old, they seek to put you at each others throats. WAKE UP America. Some careful voting can put a stop to this.

10-22: Saturdays are the Sabbath my church observes and I will be observing them more carefully now. This means that I won't be preparing for Sunday's web page updates anymore. I always prepare the release the day before, therefore, no work on Saturdays means no update on Sundays. Sorry for the inconvience!

10-21: A little more for you web builders out there, you know who you are. I have included a section on XML in the Sites To Visit column on the left of the Web Building page. Wazzat you say? XML = Extensible Markup Language, the next greatest thing since HTML. Browsers etc are gearing up for it, and as a web wonk, so should you. Head on over and see what all the hubbub is all about... bub.

10-20: Head on over to the Photo Album page in the Extra section and get a load of the geezer. Nice hair eh? That's my "corporate" look. We are at 39 years and counting. They shoot horses don't they?

10-19: Nothing but behind the scenes grunt work going on here. A lot of the data in the Hamish Sanderson tutorials is being smoothed and tuned. I am taking newer material and finding the older material and trying to replace the old with the new. If you see anything you know for a fact to be an error in any of those tutorials then I would appreciate an email about it. Everytime Hamish looks at this stuff the sutures holding his head together give way causing an awful mess at the House of Wacks, very sloppy... and stinky like boiled toad leather. If you could help out, either with a mop or with corrections then I would appreciate it. The Hamish Sanderson tutorials are on the Marathon page in the Anvil Tips section. Poor Hamish.

10-18: For you web authors out there, I have a hot scoop on some really fabulous web site traffic reporting. EarthLink customers can use EarthLink Urchin Visitor Reporting for free. This is no small thing, Urchin is very cool, very in depth and very useful. Heck fire, using Urchin I now know most of you guys are here for the Marathon stuff and until now I thought it was Hollywood scouts checking out my Photo Album! Now I know why most of my email sounds like it is from people with one eyebrow over tiny little eyes, a buncha no necks who can bite through an iron bar, swear like a drill instructor and crush a buffalo to death between their butt cheeks. Like Jane Davison. Anyway, web authors, go to the Web Building page and click on the Page Hit Counters Link. Look down on the bottom.

10-17: Out again on furlough for "good behavior while muzzled and chained to a wall in solitary confinement" is our resident cartoonist, Erkki Toukolehto. While Erkki hacks the electronic house arrest leg cuff that is locked around his ankle lets go view his next installment of the Battle Cat's "How to Look Combat Fresh and Marathon-Cool" fashion tips book, page 3. You will quickly notice that these cartoons are probably the most stupid, immature, disgusting, adolescent, cruel and violent cartoons you have seen in a long time. My kind of cartoon Charlie! Now if only they were demeaning toward women he would have perfection. Give him more time (unlike the parole board) and he will get it right. You can find his work on the Hell Hole V1.2 page of the Marathon section.

10-16: Shapes again. Just when you thought Hamish Sanderson was going to shut up about shapes he fires off another volley of information about this very important Marathon game file. Does your brain hurt yet? Take two aspirin and hold them between your teeth and let Hamish kick your jaw shut with his steel toed combat boot. Does your brain hurt now? Try squeezing your head into the muzzle of a rocket launcher and shrieking shapes patch ResEdit resource numbers for the SPNKR while gnawing the warhead off of a rocket. Does it hurt now? OK, you are either really tough or really full of it, in either case head over to the "Shapes 2" tutorial in the Anvil Tips portion of the Marathon page and see if you can withstand the full force of yet another tutorial. Me, my brain hurts, I'm going to suicide against a wall and sit this net game out.

10-15: This space for rent.

10-14: The Clinton-butt kickin' NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre rolls up his sleeves again for another session of knocking governmental bureaucratic heads together. Today he is blowing the whistle on the present administration's abuses of power including using the IRS for "the political harassment and intimidation" of it's enemies among many other things. Hey, don't look so disassociated from it all... YOU'RE next! This is all on the NRA page in the Standing Guard feature. In vaguely related news, in my Deus Ex job as a government anti terrorist agent working for UNATCO, I was chewed out by my boss for harassing Shannon in the ladies room not once, not twice but 3 times. I would like to publicly apologize to Shannon and the entire department for my unprofessional behavior, I realize now it hurts the department more that it does me. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Mr. Manderlay for stacking on top of his desk all the potted plants I could find in the building. Such behavior is childish especially when there is a critical mission in Paris waiting for my attention.

10-13: Shape shifters have long held a place in SciFi mythology. Hamish Sanderson has long been interested in shapes, starting at puberty as a matter of fact (errrr... his puberty). What have these two things in common? ...Dang, I hope you aren't waiting for an answer from me, I was asking you! What we have here is a "blond standoff" I suppose. OK, tell you what, as long as we are all standing around picking our noses, we might just as well pick our noses over at Hamish Sanderson's newest tutorial on Shapes over in the Anvil Tips department of the Marathon Section. Hey, by the way, I have noticed that most of the action at the House of Wacks is going on at the Marathon section. I should call to your attention that the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST, that would be a good page to bookmark and hit during lunch time. There is almost a years worth of jokes there. In other news, break out the Mama Jamba big medicine ouija mojo feathered, dried entrail hoodoo talismans, cause it's Friday the 13th!!

10-12: Charlton Heston, the president of the National Rifle Association is next up on the NRA page. This guy is a really good speaker and as usual he makes some pretty good points. In this article he is pointing out how presidential wanna-be Gore, in 1986, voted against the 15 day waiting period to buy a gun, voted to cut the budget of the BATF, voted for the Gun Owners Protection Act and told the Washington Monthly that anti-gun laws "haven't been an affective solution to the underlying problem of violent crime." yet he has now flip-flopped 180 degrees for political expediency demonstrating a pathetic lack of any sort of core belief system. This is some interesting material pitting Gore against his own worse enemy, his self. Go check it out in the President's Column.

10-11: Hakvil is a small steel foundry town in Scotland. Just as Switzerland is famous for their fine timepieces, Hakvil is renowned as the only known location that will actually patch worn anvils. Anvils from all over the world find there way to this quaint town and their master blacksmith shops. Hamish Sanderson, a resident of Scotland since being deported from both England and Ireland, has traveled to this small township and has spared no expense in procuring for you a patch for Bungie's ailing editing tool, Anvil. Named after the town in which it was fabricated, Hamish brings to you the Anvil patch known as "Hakvil". Please proceed to the Marathon page and click on the Anvil Tips link and navigate to the Hakvil page for your personal copy. Also some updates have been made in the Hamish Sanderson tutorials, new material on the PICT Notes page and the Landscape ID information has been corrected on the Bandwidth Saving page. In totally unrelated news, the number of SETI units crunched by the House of Wacks has climbed above 500. Dang.

10-10: It is a new month for the NRA page and leading off this months NRA updates is the Armed Citizen feature. This is a page of various newspaper articles from around the good ol' USA depicting decent, law abiding citizens legally protecting life and property with the help of a firearm. Even though much of the biased news media will not report these important events they do happen every day. To further their political agendas, the mainstream media would rather have you believe that mostly it is the criminals who use firearms. So far, honest citizens outnumber the criminals thank God, and these citizens are free to protect themselves, their families and other innocent lives with the use of a firearm. These are fascinating accounts, see for yourself. If you know of any online news accounts of this nature, send it in to me and I will post it on that page.

10-9: Roseanne Roseanna Danna: What is all this fuss I've been hearing about Unused Sound Sluts? Why is being a healthy horny virgin a problem? Have we become so jaded by sex in Hollywood that virgins are now something that needs to be "remedied"? No, fight back I say with spackling compound, pool patch and joint putty. Shore up those cracks I say!
Jane Curtain: Roseanne SHUT UP! In the first place you are a complete IDIOT and in the second place the subject is Unused Sound Slots! SLOTS!!
Roseanne Roseanna Danna: Oh... n e v e r mind.
Jane Curtain: For you folks at home, just go to the Marathon page and click on the Anvil Tips page. Hamish Sanderson has another tutorial for you. Thank you and good night.

10-8: Erkki Toukolehto, you can call him Ice Felon X Dog Pak , is back in the House of Wacks spotlight. For the rest of you, I often flip on the spotlight over the trash cans in the middle of the night, so watch yourself. Hey Erkki, if you don't want to do the time, blame someone else for the crime. Anyway Erkki, otherwise known as Lord Genghis Tut Oprah-Claus, has another SUPER cool page of artwork depicting page deux of the Battle Cat's "How to Look Combat Fresh and Marathon-Cool" fashion tips book. Girls, these graphics are compatible with the Barbie Fashion Plate Paper Dolls Set available in most department stores. Just print 'em and clip 'em out and you will have Barbi or Skipper looking Marathon cool in no time! Course it will help if you bap her with a ball ping hammer, light her on fire and blow a couple holes in her first. This is in the Marathon section, click on the "Hell Hole V1.2" link on the left.

10-7: Standing shoulder to shoulder the Beatles had a bandwidth of 85 inches. Mark Chapman was able to reduce this bandwidth by an impressive 21 inches (nearly 25 percent!) by the careful application of high velocity lead pellets. Mark Chapman, a man who was misunderstood in his own time, was a pioneer in the art of reducing bandwidth. Here to build on the... "body" of this... "ground breaking" work is Hamish Sanderson with a tutorial on Bandwidth Saving. He is a master of reducing the size of your Marathon scenario without all the smoke and shouting and running about. Before you release your scenario or demo you MUST read this tutorial, you will save yourself and your downloaders a lot of time. Just go to the Marathon section and click on Anvil Tips, you will see the Hamish Sanderson tutorials.

10-6: In a desperate attempt to continuously appease the foreboding Lynx page fans, I have some new links up. I have something for the pepper heads in the Info section of the Lynx page, a place to visit to order seeds. I grow my own hellish pods. Gamesters, go check out the TC19 Marathon scenario I an helping to build, look in the Games section for that. Monty Python fans will find a great site on the in the Humor section, a tremendous archive of biographies, sounds and quotes and transcripts. There is a new site for downloading freeware and shareware in the Downloads section, I have used it for the Anvil tutorials. Again in the Info section there is a link to an online dictionary that I have made use of, it's pretty handy. In the Friends section Michael Flores, a fellow Marathon fanatic, has given me a link to a new web site that he works at as a PR/Staff Writer. That site had some nasty server problems and is struggling back online reborn, you can help, go lend your support. Finally, in the News section there is a link to a website where you can post announcements for free.

10-5: Undocumented Aliens are routinely rounded up by the UESC's elite corps of ninjas known as the INS, otherwise known as the Interstellar Noogie Swabbies... hmmmm I probably got that wrong, I forget what they are called, I just know that every year or so there is cool footage of them playing Rodney-King-Ball with some hapless Pfhor Enforcer who gets caught smuggling Maintenance Drones, Troopers and Hunters into the Neutral Zone. Don't let this happen to you. Get documented! Hamish Sanderson has a great tutorial on how to avoid all the pitfalls of documentation, a must read for you Marathon scenario makers planning your next great README and for you Pfhor Enforcers building false panels into your Antarean banana trucks. Check it out in the Marathon section. Click on the Anvil Tips link.

10-4: This is very cool. Toe curling happy cookie dance cool. A friend of mine, a talented artist by the name of Erkki Toukolehto sent me a graphic he drew depicting a small writeup I did a long time ago. My fluffy bit of literature was originally in one of the Hell Hole READMEs, it was fashion advice from the Battle Cat on "How to Look Combat Fresh and Marathon-Cool". Man you thought chicks wore cruel shoes... this stuff had you designing coiffeurs with a weed whacker and crawling through alligator infested swamps with your zipper down. Erkki did a boffo job of converting the fashion tips to ink. See for yourself the budding talent of a future over-the-hill-washed-up-has-been-one-eared artist on the Marathon page. Just click on the Hell Hole V1.2 link.

10-3: Engine Hacking is much more than wrestling with the choke knob as you start your old 46 flat head Ford on a frosty North Dakota morning. Engine Hacking extends far beyond taking a fire ax to that same engine when it won't start after 10 frustrating minutes of red faced swearing and teeth grinding. Engine Hacking doesn't even refer to the internal combustion engine at all you confused noddling twit! Engine Hacking is the term Hamish Sanderson uses to describe the process of profoundly changing the Marathon resources into something completely custom. This is a must see for total conversion scenario makers. Go to the Marathon page and click on the Anvil Tips link.

10-2: Have you ever looked at someone's baby and said to yourself, "Damn, that is one UGLY baby!"? I bet you have cause I do it alla time. This happens more the older I get. I have a theory about this and a graphic to back it up. I believe the human race is morphing into something revolting and hideous, and that this trend started in the 1940's and 50's. The older one is the more noticeable the drift from the norm a baby appears to be as mutant children grow to give birth to even ghastlier children. Go to the Adolescent section of the Art page and see the harsh reality of which I speak.

10-1: Another month to mangle! I thought by now they surely would have taken me away to the room without windows... but then, I AM in the House of Wacks already! Enough ruminating, on to the meat. First up this month is a very informative Hamish Sanderson tutorial on PICT files and how they relate to Marathon. Even if you don't care about Marathon, this is some great stuff, a lesson in advanced graphics. I am really learning a lot by transcribing these files to HTML. You will find this in the Marathon section. Just click on the Anvil Tips link and you will see the Hamish Sanderson tutorials. Enjoy.

As usual, the SETI page is updated every Monday and the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST. The NRA pages President's Corner, Standing Guard and Armed Citizen are updated each month.
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