Gary L. Simmons  rev 06/30/2000
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Archived News for the Month of June 2000

New this Week:

6-30: I have two new films up in the Marathon section. First up is a skelping film, I get a good sloppy blood splop skelp. Next, for your viewing pleasure, another X-Crement Files film is available. It is in the Agent Skullduggery film pack, film 21 in that series. Looks like Agent Mulger needs to get on the stick! Go to the Marathon section and click on the Skelping or X-crement Files links.

6-29: For you Marathoners, if you ever plan on eloping with one of those cute blue shock staff Fighters then you will probably need a ladder to sneak her out from under her Enforcer fathers nose in the dead of night. Well you are in luck, with the Battle Cat's Split Poly Technology™ you can build real ladders in Forge. These ladders are FLAT against the wall and will allow you to climb them straight up. These are not thin stairs, this is the real thing. Click on Forge Tips in the Marathon section and go to the split poly tutorials. Amaze your friends with your maps.

6-28: Year 34 is now available for viewing in my Photo album. That was the year I invented the cure for the relentless and cronic itching of the terrible disease known as psoriasis of the brain. Concerning this picture, you could say I picked it myself. Itsnot like I'm bragging, just proud.

6-27: Again for you Marathon Forgers, there is a new tutorial added to the Battle Cat's Split Poly Technology™. Explained are simple light walls with lighting changes going down the face of the wall and complex lighting changes going diagonally down the face of the wall. Be the first against the wall when the revolution starts! (and say "Hi" to my lawyer for me) Go to the Marathon section, click on Forge Tips and follow the link to the Battle Cat's Split Polys.

6-26: Work progresses on the Battle Cat's Split Polys page. The basics of tBC's simple and complex split polys are now both explained in detail ready for you to try yourself. Soon to follow will be specifics, such as using these techniques to stack polys on and inside bridges, over and under doors and windows, the creation of light walls etc. Go to the Marathon section, click on Forge Tips and follow the link to the Battle Cat's Split Polys.

6-25: ::shudder:: Did you feel that? There was an icy cold draft accompanied by a nasty foul odor! Either I was skelped by a ghost or Frosty the Snowman cut the cheese! What is "skelping"? Vistit the brand new Skelping page in the Marathon section and find out. I AIN'T AFRAID A NO GHOSTS!!

6-24: Another Marathon page is given birth to in a tidal wave of blood, shrieking, amniotic fluids, wailing and swearing in the old House of Wacks whelping box. The Battle Cat's Split Poly Techonolgy page weighs 12lbs 7ozs and is a healthy bouncing whatsit with a full head of hair and a mouth full of sharp slashing teeth. Click on the Marathon link and go to the Forge Tips page. Careful now, these things are born fully growed and are quite capable of defending themselves.

6-23: The Web Building page gets a new update today. Check out the new "Scanning Basics". After helping a friend with scanning, I realized I should have some info about that in my web authoring for beginners section. It is certainly not everything you need to know, but it will get you started on cranking out graphics for your web pages.

6-21: There is a new and really pathetic Adolescent Art picture on my Art page. Eggshells is one of those really really stupid school desk pictures you crank out as your brain begins to collapse of it's own weight. When the teacher gets bogged down in a monstrous list of historical dates of boring events you would rather have happened on the planet Mongo, you mentally revolt, and boy am I revolting.

6-20: HEY! It's my birthday today! Yea me! Rah rah rah! Yes sir, 52 years of bone-crushing life squishing all the hope, love, innocence and the great expectations right out of sorry beat-up and grizzled hide. Hey, that's right, what am I so happy about? That's 18,980 days of ill health, heartache and lost opportunity. Aw geez, 455,520 hours of endless waiting, wrong turns and bad advice from my psychic friends. ::sob:: 1,639,872,000 seconds of mind numbing shocks, horrors, and rebukes mugging me in the filthy puke strewn alley of my useless pathetic life! AAAAAHHHHH I hate birthdays!!

6-19: With the acquisition of Bungie Software by Microsoft, Randall Shaw aka: FrigidMan has pulled The Mill [editor's note: broken link removed] (the premiere Myth file archive) from the Internet in protest. The link to The Mill on my Lynx page now only links to FrigidMan's farewell message. Read it, mourn the loss, and email him to entreat him to change his mind. So far, the worse effect of the acquisition is the reaction of the Bungie fans. (Editors Note: The Mill link above now connects to Mac Game Files, the good folks who took over the huge job of adminestering that site - gls 09/16/2000)

6-18: There is a new link on the Lynx page, the Adventist World Church. That is the web page of my church, I'm not selfish though, if you want it to be your church then that is OK with me. Till then, if you need me, I'll be sitting in my pew. Where did all these flies come from??

6-17: Some graphics to suppliment Hastur's Workshop have been supplied by Randall Shaw aka: FrigidMan. FrigidMan was one of the incarnations of Grendel, our sadistic guide to the pages of Hastur's Workshop. When not torturing the Forge secrets out of Hastur, Grendel was busy sewing him back up with horsehide and a staple gun for the next tutorial. Click on the "Forge Tips" links in the Marathon department.

6-14: I have another High School Art picture uploaded into the Art page. Sure you marvel at my huge artistic talent, but what you didn't know was that I am a truely great poet too. Watch me as I roll my two fields of expertise together into one big snot-ball with the graphic I am sure history will refer to simply as, "Willie". I was also the first to rhyme "surf" and "turf" before rhyming surf and turf was cool. Gotta love being me!

6-13: My last college pic goes up in the College Art section of the art page. I lost a lot of stuff from that era, including my desire to draw. I have no idea what this sketch came out of, a worm hole in my medulla oblongata no doubt.

6-12: For you Marathon gamers a new page opens up in the Marathon department, Forge Tips. Look in the bottom left of the index frame. Forge Tips is proud to feature Hastur's Workshop, the Halfway House for Marathon junkies. Hastur's Workshop is a treasure trove of Forge information compiled by the most elite of the Marathon map makers. Soon to follow will be a tutorial of the Battle Cat's split poly technology. Any and all are welcomed to share any pointers or techniques that they have developed that is missing from this treatise.

6-10: Year 33 brings with it the despair of loss from the destruction of a life. Please remove your hats before entering my Photo Album page.

6-9: With sudden death from the cruel depths of the seething oceans to brutal interplanetary war in the far reaches of outer space the Adolescent Art department seems to have it all. Check out a 13 year old kids vision of the War of the Worlds.

6-8: Have you ever caught a wave and cut someone out of the primo spot in a curl just to pearl? Have you ever carved you initials into an old splintery hardwood plank only to realize later it was Duke Kahanamoku's surf board? Have you? Well if you have, you have probably witnessed first hand the wrath of Kahuna. See the gruesome details in the High School section of my Art Page.

6-7: Got a new College Art pic for ya. The assignment was to draw an image using only repetitions of a small simple mark. I should have realized that my desktop scrabbage was not Louvre material, but still, those items are now immortal.

6-6: There is a new photo in the Photo Album, year 32. Read the sad story of a Vietnam vet and his highly emotional search to find the fruit of his loins that he tragically left behind in that war torn country.

6-5: Ugh, it's Monday. Everybody here at the House of Wacks is totally drained from the excitement of Shark Week. You should have seen the big party Friday, I was up past 9PM! Anyway, the SETI page just passed the 300 unit milestone, check out the stats that only a G4 super computer can provide.

6-2: SCANDAL ROCKS SHARK WEEK! Our esteemed resident ichthyologists and learned marine biologists here at the House of Wacks have been accused of FRAUD! In this desperate fight for our respected professional reputations we have combed the archives of all the greatest academic institutions in the world for proof positive of the existence of the controversial Frizbee shark. Well, not ALL the greatest academic institutions... luckily I found what I was looking for right off in this box I have by my desk. See the irrefutable evidence of "SHARK! 5" for yourself at the Adolescent Art department.

6-1: June welcomes a new month into the Joke of the Weak, we can only hope that there will be fewer stupid adolescent jokes; references to blonds, potty and ess-ee-ex. Also new this month is the News Archives, all the old news you wanted to just go away is now here to stay! Furthermore, Shark Week trumpets an exclusive! Venture cautiously into the Adolescent Art section because it is the repository of the only existing full body picture of the rare and elusive... Bone Sucking Shark!! I tell you, all of this is just too exciting and I need to go sit down!

As usual, the SETI page is updated every Monday and the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST. You will want to bookmark that page

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