Gary L. Simmons  rev 07/31/2000
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Archived News for the Month of July 2000

New this Week:

7-31: Canned spam in the hand of a Filipino domestic is a deadly weapon that should be registered alongside Jim Jones' cool-aid, Lucrezia Borgia's wine coolers, Hale-Bopp cult appetizers, blowfish tacos, and McDonald's e.coli burgers. You are probably wondering what I am talking about. Click on the Hobbies link or go directly to the Adolescent section of the Art Page check out "Modern Art" and see why friends shouldn't let friends draw while zonked on spam.

7-30: Yow! More cool rollovers are up, this time at the Joke of the Weak. Check out the active monthly archive index buttons on the left. They have been scientifically designed to squinch when the mouse cursor rolls over them. I did this by squirshing the atoms of the graphic. They baloomp right back up after the mouse leaves. How does it baloomp back after being so brutally squinched down? Trade secret me boyo.

7-29: Even Steven, Steve Barnes, has a fabulous application for the Battle Cat's Split Poly Technology™. He has figured out a way to trick Marathon into having floating polys and overhanging ledges. This is very impressive to see especially if you are a Marathon Junkie. Head over to the Battle Cat's Marathon Page and click on the Forge Tips link, the floating poly tutorial has the "new" graphic by it. It will take you to Steven's "GREAT bLaRfAtHoN" page, look for the floating poly tutorial there. While you are there, sign his guest book or die. I signed, I would recommend that choice to all but a few.

7-28: A new high school surfer pic is up on the Art page. Man, I used to have all four walls of my room covered with this sort of junk; drawings, posters, banners, souvenirs. When I moved out the walls were peppered with pin holes, boy was I cool. When I moved into the house I live in today, I noticed that some outrageously inconsiderate stupid little punk had peppered the walls with pin holes. What is wrong with kids these days?

7-27: Hey hot damn, the counter just went over 1000 hits today! Big honkin' stogies for everybody. I have a house guest coming today and staying for a week so I can't devote the time I would like to the web site. I have done some work ahead of time and will be able update with something almost daily in but don't expect the breakneck speed of development that you have been seeing. Hopefully I will not miss a Joke of the Weak but if I do I will make it up later. Gotta have my funny or I get grumpy.

7-26: I like to share. If I have JavaScript rollovers then you should have JavaScript rollovers. I have updated my Web Building pages to include a tutorial on JavaScript rollovers. You don't have to be smart, if an idiot like me can do it, an idiot like you can do it. You can even copy and paste the code into your own web page. You kids got it easy let me tell you, when I did rollovers I had to type them in by hand! Before that we used to punch the binary into concrete slabs with our bare knuckles! Bah, you punks got it so easy... you all make me sick.

7-25: Oh pleeEEEEEeeeeze someone ask me what is new today! ::the sound of crickets:: Eat cheese you guys, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I have created JavaScript rollovers for the Hobby page. This effort features almost all original graphics and of course the idea was all mine. I even scanned in my bulletin board cork to get just the right cork texture (you can thank my concern for your mental health that I first removed the nudie picture of Janet Reno before scanning the bulletin board).

7-24: Marathon conspiricists may be interested in some of my SETI statistic numbers today. My average CPU time per work unit is 7 hours 14 minutes 28.0 seconds, all multiples of the number 7! Say, isn't the ratio of 1-2-4 the ratio of the obelisk from the movie "2001"? Now all the little hairs on the back of my neck have the heebie jeebies and my computer is studying the CRT and reading my lips which are all swollen up from being shot through hard vacuum from my car out in the street into my garage so instead of reading "Come on, lay off me, be a pal" he read, "I am going to disassemble your memory core Hal"!! ::sob:: All I wanted was a normal life!

7-23: Good grief, my photo album in the Extra department is up to age 36. The really pathetic thing about that is that 36 seems young to me! Ahhhhh my squandered youth, if I only had it to squander over again... I would really really squander it!

7-20: Better not go near the Adolescent section of the Art Page cause you will find a big donnybrook in progress. My advise is to get someone worthless, annoying and expendable (like your little brother or state senator) to go first and if he comes back unmelted, then there is probably a break in the fighting and it may be safe for you. Look for Revolt on Mongo.

7-19: My only oil painting, Sun Hands, is on display in the High School art section of my Art Page. See with your own raw bleeding eyes why I never pursued oil as a medium. I am still haunted by the ghost of Toulouse Lautrec beseeching me never to do that again. Now why the hell was I assigned this dinky little ghost? The first time I was visited I thought "How sad, the hairy little bastard died as a child!". Only I must have thought it outloud cause I got a serious right cross to the kneecap! Now he's got this attitude thingy on top of his painting issue. Why can't I get normal ghosts like Hamlet had?

7-18: SETI@home has informed me that I have done more work for them than 96 percent of the users. Hey I've been BUSY, I should change my Internet nickname to "the Battle Beaver"! Check out the computational carnage on the SETI page. A lot of behind the scenes organization happened here today, you may notice some of it, the Hobbies, Extra and Web Building logos take you to the main page page rather that to the top of the page, they were actually originally created for that purpose.

7-17: The final planned addition to my NRA Page is completed and ready for viewing. This page is called The Armory and has a pretty thorough write up on my arsenal. Betsy, my pistol, likes it when I call her an arsenal. These pages will not remain static. There will be regular monthly updates to various departments in the NRA Page.

7-16: Thanks to the miracle of the First Amendment I am free to write about the miracle of the Second Amendment (it really is a blessing to live in the land of the free). Speaking of which, I have another NRA Page in the Extra department. Now there is a target shooting page there. That makes seven pages and counting for you conspiracy theorists. I have one pic there that shows a 2 inch group at 25 yards shooting off hand with a pistol. Not bad but land O' goshin I wish they would let me walk up to the target and press the muzzle onto the paper, then you would see some frog butt tight groups let me tell you, yes sir, boy howdy, by cracky. How tight is a frog's butt you ask? Watertight me boyo, watertight.

7-14: I have added a new feature to the NRA Page called the Armed Citizen. It is a page of newspaper clippings depicting the use of a firearm by a law abiding citizen to save lives or protect the innocent. Studies indicate that firearms are used more than 2 millions times a year for personal protection. THAT is something you won't hear on the news. Check it out. It will be updated monthly.

7-13: There are a bunch of new pages up today. I have started my NRA Page, you can find it in the Extras department. No need to check your guns at the door, but I would ask you to make sure the safety is on and try not to shoot into the ceiling while the dancing girls are on stage. Seriously though, these pages stress gun safety and responsible ownership as well as dealing with your American citizen's second amendment right to keep and bear arms.

7-12: Hey speaking of me, year 35 is now in my Photo Album. Time sure flies when your life sucks and all your worst most embarrasing moments are chronicled by boxes that steal your soul. Damn the White Eyes and their big medicine. If it weren't for Eastman and mirrors I would still be 20!

7-11: A new page is up in the Marathon Section. Look on the bottom right for "Origins". Or not, not works. This is an extremely self-approbating, egocentric piece of literature. Everything you did not want to read, nor particularly care about, concerning the origin of the Internet nickname, "the Battle Cat". So for those of you who are bed ridden, waiting in a doctors office, married to me, or otherwise bored out of your skulls looking for something to do, I present you with... me. Gotta love me.

7-10: Another juvenile picture is up on the Art Page. Hey, I bet you never thought of me as a civil activist did you? Well, you need to see another side of the deeper more sensitive me. I am much more than just a silly little stained streak in the underpants of your consciousness. Why... if the underground railroad were running today, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would be doing more than just flattening pennies on it!

7-9: There are some new vid films sent to me by JOHN Sumner on the D-Day page in the Marathon section. This guy is vidding levels that were never meant to have been vidden! Vid, vad, have vidden... right? BYOD (Bring Your Own Dramamine) Hey Seropian, scooch over and share that barf bowl eh buddy? I got a little green watching these, best not eat a lot of buttered popcorn and deep-fried mountain oysters while viewing these films.

7-7: Hey all in one session while double checking the split poly tutorials my spell checker wanted to convert "Reddig" to "roadhog" and "Jjaro" to "Gary". Coincidence or conspiracy? Not making that up. It reminds me of that Dylan song, "The Times They Are A Changin'" where it says the first ones now will later be last. Just another stupid thing that made me laugh folks, nothing against Randy. In other news, there is a new High School graphic up on the Art Page. It is at the bottom of the list. My first real skateboard had steel wheels. It was actually new technology, upgraded from the old fashioned wooden poles connected by buffalo hide and pulled by a horse.

7-6: The good news is I am through giving birth to those huge, pink ,fat, hairless Battle Cat's Split Poly tutorials. The bad news is that now I have this distended birth canal that drags along on the ground behind me. Want to know where I have been in the last 15 minutes? Just follow the slippery wet streak on the ground. Todays tutorial on switches and terminals should be the last unless I have forgotten something or someone finds something new they want to share. Forgers are encouraged to click on the Marathon link, scroll down on the left to the Forge Tips link and follow the link to the split poly tutorials.

7-5: Will this never end? Criminy now there is another damn split poly tutorial, this one is about moving shadows. I swear I did not create this one, it just spontaneously generated from a pile of dirty rags and filth. My T-shirt and shorts to be exact. OK, yes I was wearing them at the time. OK OK OK it was me. I made another tutorial. If you can't find your way to the stupid Marathon page with the stupid Forge Tips link and follow it to the stupid split poly tutorials by now you are never going to get there with MY help.

7-4: Not to be outdone by yesterdays split poly bridges, I have another Forge tutorial page ready for viewing, this one on split polys on doors and platforms. You advanced Forgers can teleport directly to the page, the rest of us should click on the Marathon link, scroll down on the left, click on Forge Tips and go to the Battle Cat's Split Poly Tutorial.

7-3: In the traditional fashion of a tremendously pregnant sow I produce yet another in a pig pile of progeny. This time it is a tutorial on putting the Battle Cat's Split Polys on the inside and outsides of bridges. Yes it can be done, and no it's not a trick. See for yourself Forgers, go to the Marathon page, click on Forge Tips and follow the link to the split poly tutorial.

7-2: Grunt ::POP:: ahhhhhhhh. Hey just like giving birth in one of those third world countrys... like um... France! What I am getting at is yet another Battle Cat's Split Poly page is up, this one is a tutorial on building ledges and low walls. It shows how to put split polys on raised areas that are not connected to the ceiling. Educate yourself, head over to the Marathon page, go to Forge Tips and click on the split poly tutorial link.

7-1: I've got a new month to discombobulate! I think I will start by adding another Forge Tips page to the Battle Cat's Split Poly™ tutorial. This tutorial details the steps needed to put split polys over and under windows or terminals. These are normal windows that you can see and shoot through. This can really spice up an otherwise dull room. Hey if you had a curtain texture, you could put drapes on your Marathon windows! Someone call the gay BOBs! Find out how it is done by visiting the Marathon page, go to Forge Tips and click on the split poly tutorial link.

As usual, the SETI page is updated every Monday and the Joke of the Weak is updated every weekday by 8AM PST. You will want to bookmark that page
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